Monkey Musings
by Nozomi Anshin
Summary: Our beloved saru muses on his keeper. Updated - ch. 3 up. Shounen-ai, unfinished-the more reviews i get, the mroe i'll write!
1. Monkey Musings

I know you care, Sanzo. To some extent, at least. The way you place your hand in my hair, the way you seem to worry about me sometimes…

But do you know how I feel? Do you even have a clue how much you mean to me? I've told you you're my sun, but do you really understand? Without the sun, the earth would be cold, empty, desolate, unable to sustain life… Just as I would be without you.

"Oi, saru. Did you die or something? You haven't said a word in over an hour."

I wish I could understand you, Sanzo. The way you work, the way you think…it's all so confusing to me.

And I wish you could understand me. I wish you would realize that I'm not the baka you think I am…true, I'm not as smart as Hakkai or as clever as the kappa, but…I'm not an idiot. I am smarter than you give me credit for. 

I wonder if you know what I know about those two? Do you see the way they look at each other? Do you hear the tone in Gojyo's voice when he _insists_ that he and Hakkai room together? I do. And I respect the relationship they have and I allow them their time together when they can get it, because I know it's hard for them with this journey and all.

"Oi, SARU!"

"Shut up, Gojyo," I tell him, tired of his kicking and poking. I wish he'd leave me to my thoughts for once.

He blinks. "What, no 'ero kappa' comment?" he asks, sounding confused.

"Just leave me alone."

He does.

I can't look at you, Sanzo. Even doing that manages to annoy you. And I'm tired of having to annoy you just to get you to even know that I'm here. Would it matter to you if I left? Would you get upset if I got killed by Homura or Kougaiji? Or would you yell at me, even though you know I wouldn't be able to hear you, telling me I was too stupid to stay alive and then shrug it off as something that couldn't be helped? 

I hold in a sigh. I can't let you know that something's wrong, although if you're paying even the least bit of attention to me, you already know because of how quiet I've been. But you don't seem to notice, nor do you seem to care.

"Ah, here we are," Hakkai announces cheerfully. 

I look up from the floor of the jeep and notice we're pulling into a town.

"About time," you grunt as you get out of the jeep. The rest of us follow suit and you lead us into the inn Hakkai stopped at.

"Sanzo, harahetta…" I tell you, though you should know that well enough after these years. But you say nothing as you approach the desk clerk. 

"We'll look for a restaurant after we've gotten our rooms," Hakkai tells me, patting me on the head. I'm sure he's got good intentions, but he's treating me like a kid again. It gets frustrating.

I nod excitedly, pretending it doesn't matter that it wasn't you who responded. But it does, Sanzo. It does matter, because at least if you'd responded, I'd know you weren't completely ignoring me. 

Are you ignoring me? It seems like it…I've felt like you are for the past week, ever since I saved you from that group of youkai. Hakkai and Gojyo had gotten hurt, and it was all they could do to save themselves. If I didn't protect you, you would have ended up just as bad, or worse, since you're human. But ever since that day, I feel like you don't even know I exist. You never thanked me, not that I honestly expected you to, but you also replied rather coldly when Hakkai told you what I had done. 'That bakasaru? Ch', was what you'd said, as if disbelieving that I could do such a thing.

My fighting ability is the one thing you don't deny that I posses, and I suppose that gives me some confidence. 

"Goku?"

"What, Gojyo." I wish you'd leave me alone sometimes, Gojyo.

"We got our rooms. Let's go drop off our stuff and then get food, alright?"

I'm confused. Since when does Gojyo treat me normally? I nod my agreement, and he tells me that there were only two doubles open, so you and Hakkai will be sharing a room, and I'll be rooming with him. Again, you've found a way to shut me out. Well, if Gojyo keeps treating me like this, I guess it won't be so bad. At least I won't be rooming with someone who's ignoring me, and I won't be rooming with 'mom'. Though I'd rather room with you, whether you ignore me or not.

I follow you and the others to our rooms, and I see the angry glare Gojyo gives you over the fact that you're making his lover room with you. But the way you act, do you see it? Do you know how upset he is, Sanzo?

*Sigh* I try to shrug it off. I shouldn't let you bother me like this, not when there's something more important that we're all supposed to be focusing on. But then, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Even if the Three Aspects had told me to go on this journey, I wouldn't have gone if you weren't going with me. 

I drop my bags beside my bed and blindly follow Gojyo back into the hallway, where we meet up with you and Hakkai. Now it's time to find a restaurant.

My stomach growls, dragging my focus of thought from you to it.

"Geez, saru. You really are hungry, aren't you?" the kappa asks me. What's with him? Why's he actually being civil to me?

I nod silently.

"Well, we'd better get going, before the saru tries to eat one of us," Gojyo says with a smile, wrapping his arm around Hakkai's waist. Yes, enjoy him while you can, you lucky kappa, since you two won't share a room tonight. Hakkai blushes from the affectionate gesture and gives a gentle laugh.

"Ch," is all you say as you lead us out the door. After all, you're paying.


	2. The Journal

AN: Okay, I hadn't really intended to continue this story beyond the first blurb of the first chapter, but I got reviews (yay!) and everyone wanted me to continue it, so…for you guys, Here's Chapter 2!!

After lunch, you gave Gojyo the credit card and told he and I to do the shopping. Are you trying to keep them apart on purpose? Perhaps, are you jealous of how happy Gojyo and Hakkai are, so you try to make them as miserable as you? If that's the case, that's cruel. But maybe you're not doing it on purpose. Maybe you just don't feel like having the two usually noisy youkai around you. 

"So, saru. What's on your mind?" Gojyo asks me.

"Nothing, why?"

"Don't lie, monkey-boy. You've never been this quiet, so I'm assuming you're doing a lot of thinking."

"And if I am?"

"Well, for starters, don't hurt yourself. But seriously. You know you can talk to me or Hakkai about it, whatever it is," he tells me, putting his hand gently on my shoulder. Someone once said that we're like brothers, Gojyo and I. It's times like this when I can see where they get it.

I sigh. "I dunno. You'd just make fun of me, and…well…sometimes I don't feel like I can really talk to Hakkai…if I had a mother, I wouldn't want to talk to her about this…and Hakkai's so much like a mother sometimes…it's just weird," I finally tell him.

He blinks at me for a few moments. "Yeah, I guess I can see that. He does tend to be a bit of a mother hen, ne?" he answers with a grin.

I smile and nod.

"So could ya talk to a big brother? One that swears he won't make fun of you?" Gojyo asks me.

I look at him, trying to guess how serious he's being, but I can't really tell. I shrug. "I dunno."

"Well…hmm…" 

We walk in silence for a few moments, and Gojyo seems to be looking for something. I raise an eyebrow at him, but he just winks at me.

"Ah-hah!" I guess he found what he was looking for. "I've got an idea, monkey," he tells me. "When I started doing a lot of thinking about what I felt for Hakkai, I started writing it all down in a journal. It actually helped me sort things out a lot." He leads me into the shop and lowers his voice just a bit, as the shop's less crowded and noisy than the streets. "I think it's time you get a journal, and whatever it is that's on your mind, write it down," he tells me with a grin.

"But…how exactly do I do it?" I ask, thinking that maybe it's a good idea, worth trying, at least.

"Well, you can do it however you want. I'd always write in it at the end of every day, and I'd just write about everything that happened and what I thought of it, no matter how random or insignificant it might seem. So go ahead. Pick one out," he tells me, gesturing to the shelves of notebooks. "I'd say it's on me, but-" he flashes the gold card "-it's really on Sanzo," he finishes with a grin.

"Don't you mean the Three Aspects?" I say with a small smile.

"Well, yeah, but it'll be his butt when they get the bill, heh."

I smile and turn to the notebooks, looking for one that catches my eye. I find myself drawn to a simple one, thick with lots of pages, bound in plain brown leather. "I like this one," I say, taking it off the shelf.

He lets out a low whistle. "Thick. You plan on doing that much writing?"

"Well, I figure I'll actually write that much or it'll last me a really long time," I answer.

He nods. "I see your point. You are smarter than we give you credit for, saru," he tells me with a smile. He grabs a pack of pens, takes the journal from me, and heads to the checkout counter. He checks out and hands me the bag, while he stuffs the receipt in his pocket. "Now just remember. Even if someone finds out you've got this thing, no one but you is supposed to read it. I won't say a word about it, kid."

"Not even to Hakkai?"

He pauses. "Well, I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually. After all, the journal I used to have…well, he's the one who gave it to me, so in a way this is his idea. But either way, only you should read it."

I nod. "Alright. Thanks, Gojyo," I tell him, an enormous smile on my face.

He grins, and we exit the shop to finish the grocery shopping.

.

About an hour and a half later, Gojyo and I are back at the inn. I've successfully gotten my new journal past Hakkai's watchful eyes and into my bag, and now we're sitting in Sanzo and Hakkai's room as Hakkai looks over the map.

"Here, bouzo. Here's your card back," Gojyo says, tossing it to Sanzo.

"At least you didn't burn a hole in it," he mutters before tucking it away inside his robes. He picks up his newspaper.

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?" Gojyo asks defensively.

"The saru didn't ask you to buy him extra food?" Sanzo asks, apparently thinking I did.

"Hey, I can control myself, you know," I say in my defense. "Besides, I was still full from lunch," I say with a smile.

"Bet you're hungry now, bakasaru," Gojyo pokes.

"Actually, no. I'm good," I tell him.

Sanzo peeks over his paper at me. "You're…not hungry?" he asks, almost, but not quite, sounding worried.

I laugh. "Nope."

Hakkai comes over and puts his hand on my forehead.

"Ne, Hakkai, I'm not sick," I say, still smiling and laughing. This is too funny! I'm just excited about the journal.

Sanzo looks at Hakkai questioningly.

Hakkai shakes his head. "He doesn't have a fever," he replies softly, returning to his map.

Gojyo laughs and leans over to me. "Yeah, definitely a mother hen," he whispers.

I laugh and nod.

"Ch."

"At least he seems to be _almost_ back to normal," Hakkai says with a smile, eyeing Gojyo suspiciously.

Gojyo just laughs it off, and I smile. They are perfect for each other, really. I turn my gaze to Sanzo.

Would you and I be that perfect together, Sanzo? Would we compliment each other that well? Would our arguments only be playful? Would we be happy together? Inwardly, I sigh. I suppose the only way to find out is to be together. But you always keep yourself so distant from me. You keep everyone out – only Hakkai seems to understand you even a little. I wish you'd let me in, even if only a fraction of the distance you've given Hakkai. I'd be happy with that, for a while, at least.

I wonder if you can hear the things I'm thinking to you. You said when you saved me from the cave that I had been calling to you, but I hadn't verbally said a word to you. Can you hear me now, Sanzo? And if you do, do you hear it all, or only parts?

I sigh and my stomach growls. I glare down at the betraying organ.

"Oh, so the bakasaru _is_ hungry!" Gojyo laughs, kicking me lightly with his shoe.

"Eheh…" I grin sheepishly. Yes, I had lied when I said I wasn't hungry. I just didn't want Sanzo to whap me. "Alright, I'm hungry! I admit it!" I proclaim, throwing my hands up in surrender. "I can't help it," I half-whine.

"Yeah, yeah, you didn't eat for 500 years so you're making up for it. We've all heard that excuse, monkey-boy," Gojyo smirks, almost as though he's trying to draw me out of my thoughts.

"Well, I'd rather have an over-active stomach than an over-active libido, you ero kappa," I shoot back. Hehe. I got him with that one.

"Where the hell'd you learn a word like libido, bakasaru?" he half-yells, his red eyes wide with surprise.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see that Sanzo and Hakkai both seem to wonder the same thing. I grin. "You'd be surprised what my monkey ears hear, Gojyo," I reply, creeping toward him, thoroughly enjoying this.

"Oh yeah? So what else have you heard? That monkey's don't have a libido?"

"How would you know?" I ask, still grinning.

Gojyo is also grinning, seeming to be enjoying the argument as much as I am. He and I haven't had a good fight in a while. "Well, I have to admit, I wouldn't…but considering you're eighteen and still a virgin, I'd just assume-"

"You leave my sex-life out of this!"

"You mean lack of sex life, bakasaru!"

"Whatever! I'd rather be a bakasaru than an ero kappa!"

"URUSAI!!" 

The grin on my face stays as I turn and face Sanzo, even as he pulls out his gun and points it at us. Yes, I think having this journal will help me out a lot…and I haven't even written in it yet.


	3. First Entry and Morning After

AN: Thanks to those who reviewed!

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Kyandisu - I hadn't meant this to be fluff, but hey. Why not?! Glad you like it!

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Merf – thanks! I was worried that Goku might be a little OoC.

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acern – here's that update! Glad you like it!

Oh, and since I didn't do it before, Here's that blasted disclaimer: I don't own these guys. Much as I'd like to, I only own them in the respect that I've bought the first volume of manga and 8 dvds. Other than that, they're not mine, I didn't make them, don't sue, all that jazz.

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That night, with Gojyo laying on his bed smoking a cigarette, I pull out the journal and a pen to write my first entry. 

_Journal Entry 1_

Well…I don't know how to do this, but I guess I should start at the beginning. We, Sanzo, Gojyo, Hakkai, and me, are on a journey west to stop the resurrection of a dangerous demon. We've been travelling for a while now, and we've stopped in a quiet little town.

Tonight, Sanzo has split up Gojyo and Hakkai, making them sleep in different rooms. I feel bad for them, I feel like it's my fault, because Sanzo doesn't want to room with me, which means they have to get split. Gojyo's laying on his bed now, and I'm attempting to write this. 

This journal was Gojyo's idea, though he said Hakkai gave him the idea a long time ago. So, I figure, it can't hurt to try? He said just to write what I thought, no matter how random. So if it seems random, I'm sorry.

Earlier today, I was doing a lot of thinking about Sanzo. About what he might think of me, of what I think of him, things like that. I get so frustrated with him sometimes, because I don't know how to react to what he does. Sometimes, I think he actually cares what happens to me…sometimes I think he couldn't care less. It's funny. I've been injured lots during this journey so far, and I'm sure I'll get injured lots more. But none of the injuries have or will compare to how much Sanzo can hurt me. He has no idea (at least, I don't think he has an idea) of how much he effects my feelings, my life. One small smile from him could make me happy for a year…he is my sun, and I need him in my life as much as this planet needs that giant star to give it light and life.

I pause and re-read what I've written. I hadn't even really been thinking, it just all flowed from my mind to my hand and onto the paper. Perhaps this journal thing is a good idea.

__

I surprised them all earlier, when I used the word libido. I guess they don't think I pay as much attention to what they say and how they say it as I really do. Maybe I'll just have to start surprising them more. It was fun, the argument that Gojyo and I had after that, about his sex life and my lack thereof. When they asked me where I learned 'libido', I replied that they'd be surprised what I hear. I was really tempted to make a comment to Gojyo about how often I 'hear' what he and Hakkai are up to…^_^ but I didn't. I'll save that for another fight hehe. ^_^ 

Well, I'm getting tired now, so I guess I'll go ahead and try to sleep. I'm sure we're going to head out in the morning, and I want to make sure to have a nice breakfast before we go. Night for now!

I close the journal, feeling like I'd said all I needed to say.

"First entry, Saru?" Gojyo asks me.

"Yeah. I think you might be right about this, Gojyo," I tell him with a smile as I crawl into bed.

"You'd be surprised how much good it can do." He snuffs out his cigarette and flicks off the light. "Night, monkey boy."

"Night, water sprite." I close my eyes and know that sleep will claim me soon.

.

.

.

"Gojyo, stop," Hakkai's voice laughs.

"Oh, come on. That stupid bouzo kept me away from you, and the monkey sleeps through anything. He won't know the difference," Gojyo's voice replies.

Oi. What a thing to wake up to. I roll my eyes, but for the sake of later blackmail, I pretend to still be asleep.

"No, Gojyo. It's not right. I'll make sure we get a room together at the next inn," Hakkai promises.

"Mmm…" Gojyo whines. "I don't wanna wait…"

"Gomen, Gojyo. Good things take time, they say," Hakkai replies, his voice a bit husky. I can almost hear the smile in his voice. Who knew Hakkai can be a bit perverted?

"Mm. It had better be good…or you'll be sorry."

Oi. I really don't need to hear this! I wonder if I should roll over in my 'sleep' and surprise them… Odd, I'm in a really good mood this morning. Maybe that journal did more good than I thought.

Closing my eyes, I groan and roll over, still pretending to be asleep.

Gojyo sighs. "I guess it's time to wake the bakasaru," he says, sounding disappointed. Note to self: make a comment about his lack of sex sometime today.

I can hear Hakkai step softly across the room. He puts a hand on my shoulder and shakes me gently.

"Goku, time to get up. Sanzo is eager to leave this morning," Hakkai whispers.

I fake a snore in response.

"See. I told you he can sleep through anything. Especially since you're so quiet, he'd never notice…"

I have to stop myself from laughing – I don't want to embarrass Hakkai.

"Aa, but you're rather noisy, Gojyo," Hakkai laughs, giving my shoulder another shake.

My whole bed shakes suddenly and I pretend to jerk myself awake.

"Get up, bakasaru!" Gojyo says, kicking my bed again.

"Alright, I'm up," I yawn. "Ero kappa." Yes, especially this morning, hehe.

"Breakfast should be almost ready, so hurry and get dressed, Goku," Hakkai's smiling face tells me.

"Hai!" Food!


End file.
